The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
