dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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