just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
