I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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