i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
