ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
