There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize