carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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