He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
