I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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