She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
