If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
