Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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