she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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