I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize