I wish you could order shots online.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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