No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I have grass duct taped all over my body
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
