woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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