I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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