Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think I just sharted jello shots
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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