I just pynch a tree in the face
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
