I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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