I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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