You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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