I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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