If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize