no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
