he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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