if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
