took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
