toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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