I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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