I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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