I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just found puke in my bra..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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