Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
