A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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