Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
