dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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