I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize