whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize