They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Fuck appropriateness.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So vagazzling was a success
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
