omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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