was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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