I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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