Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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