I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
