Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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