His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
