i need an iv and a liver transplant
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
