so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
