if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
