We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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