Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize