I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize