Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
