when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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