You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
