I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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