The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
