This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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