I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize