guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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