I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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