I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
