so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
